skyscraper

Insert Christmas Cliche’ here.

Anyone else finding it hard to get in to the ‘Christmas Spirit’. Perhaps it gets progressively harder the older you get. Having to buy gifts, having to wear all that goofy festive crap, having to eat that disgusting Christmas Cake.

The happiest time of the year..gimme a break, maybe if youre under 10 when you actually believe that Christmas is run by magic and there is a bustling community of halflings in the North Pole. As charming as the holidays might seem there are some drawbacks.

It’s interesting to think the Christian Holiday that the majority of people celebrate on the 25th of December eclipses many other religious holidays present during this period as well as shrouding our minds of its pagan origins. Like most holidays celebrated by the Christian World the origins of its pagan event ( Yuletide festival period) was absorbed and equated.

No big deal, todays notion of Christmas to me just promotes the idea of the Almighty Dollar; embedding itself as a necessity to celebrate Christmas in the BEST possible way. How else? But with a ton of gift giving, Xmas trees and other festive paraphernalia. I guess thats why I decided to compile this list and see how through the music world there was a celebration of Christmas in the unconventional way.

Besides what about the other holidays celebrated during this time of the year.

 

Then again Christmas isn’t that bad, outside of the music industry the culture surrounding Christmas has given us some amazing offshoots that remain present in our socio-culture. How else would we have had Home Alone growing up, or the Nightmare Before Christmas, or Bad Santa.

This miscellaneous rag tag list offers in now way an enhancement to the usual crap thats played during the holiday season. These albums in fact offer a bizarre look into maybe taking the Christmas cheer way too far. Giving people way to much freedom in creatively celebrating Christmas in a musical sense.

This set of albums is very far removed from what was the quintessential Christmas songs sung by the likes of the Nat King Cole, Dino, Sammy and Frank and Ella.

Many of these examples remind me of when you were young and went to the 99 cent store and found mounds of cheap tacky Christmas albums. People would buy them because of the price and alluring Christmas themed Album covers, needless to say they were played once and collected dust at home.

 

Happy Clucking Holidays

What the shit? Something like this exists??

Ok so this is very far removed from …well lets say the Chipmunks Christmas album, at least there is a somewhat melodic sound coming out of the Chipmunks high-pitched voice. Much better than a human attempting to cluck classic Christmas songs. I can’t tell whether the guy who did this either took too much LSD and thought he was a chicken or it’s just some major prank he’s playing on the whole world.

It seems the guy who made this shit is thinking of releasing more ‘poultry-based’ albums in the future…what a big shot. What do you say to a friend if you find his/her copy of Happy Clucking Holidays? Do you organize some kind of intervention for this??

 

 

Jingle Cats : Here Comes Santa Claws

I gave it a listen just to know what it sounded like, and I must say I was struck with fear. I advise you to purchase this album if you want nightmares.

Who the hell came up with this?? Conjuring up sounds from cats into some kind of sadistic Christmas cover?? Playing this ought to attract all the neighborhood stray cats to your place this season. These are cat based songs, comprised of nine real cats and some guy who can organize them into some kind of phonetic cat system that allows him to extract their meows into classic Christmas songs.

There are even DVD’s of this crap available and people on Amazon praising the hilarity of this concept. Jesus, i wish things like this were never made, its frightening that reviewers on Amazon think its amazing. *shudder*

 

NBC Celebrity Christmas

Oh man I couldn’t stop laughing when I discovered this. I thought there was nothing worse than an actor attempting to make it in the music industry and releasing an album. That fleeting assumption has passed and now any actor singing a shitty ass Christmas cover has to take the cake. I read that this was for a good cause, which is admirable, BUT I assure you this will kill your ears.

This NBC Celebrity list includes the likes of John Lithgow also known as the dad in the inconsistently funny TV sitcom 3rd Rock From The Sun, with our good pal Joseph Gordon-Levitt, John Lithgow was also the main villain in Cliffhanger with Stallone. Bebe Neuwirth; now I’m not too familiar with her acting, I only know her as the aunt in Jumanji! OH jesus, Jay Leno is in this.

Don’t quit your day job John Lithgow. You can Jay Leno.

Ally Mcbeal: A Very Ally Christmas

Don’t know much about this show, I know it was really popular in the 90’s with Calista Flockhart confusing men by being slightly attractive and unappealing all at once. I think this show was just before Robert Downey Jr. was arrested for drug charges in late 2000, probably coinciding with the baffling contribution he had on this album, I don’t know whether he was too drugged out of his mind to know what he was doing or needed the extra cash to fuel is habit.

Either way this should be erased from his glittering career. His voice isn’t horrible, I think it’s just that this collaboration doesn’t reflect well with his previous creative achievements. Good thing he got fired from this show and was able to give us Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, A Scanner Darkly and Iron Man 1.

I don’t even know what else Calista has done since this show, she was in The Birdcage but only as a minor character. Nothing comes to mind. I know Jane Krakowski who contributed to this album is now on 30 Rock.

Six Million Dollar Man: Exciting Christmas Adventures

Some bizarre album about Steve Austin the 6 Million Dollar Man, an astronaut with Bionic powers as a result of implants. This album does not involve music but I’d still classify it was a Christmas Album. Basically a story told of Steve Austin saving Christmas whilst posing as Santa Claus.

This album existed in a string of Christmas cross-overs the show was involved in, along with A Bionic Christmas Carol. Guess I’m not surprised since the TV show included a vast array of merchandise including the now highly sought after action-figures.

This audio story is kind of along the same lines of the Family Guy created KISS saves Santa, where unconventional figures are thrown into a Christmas story.

 

Mickey Rooney : Merry Merry Micklemas

This album cover freaks me out. He looks so creepy, like an underpants gnome with a case of monsterism. We all know Mickey Rooney as an actor from the Golden Age of Hollywood. But of course in the 70’s Rooney was on the wane and had become a has-been, the cheques stopped rolling in for this guy so he decided to make some money and make a Christmas Album. How the hell did this guy marry 8 times?

The album features a some cover songs and some songs of Rooney’s own creation. The guy alternates his singing with some screaming and creepy kiddie voices in his tracks. This tracks will make your ears bleed like Zero Gravity.

It seems in every copy of this washed up album, there was a letter from the man himself. Imagine receiving this as a gift from someone, god damn.

Snoop Dogg Presents Christmas in tha Dogg House

I personally think having Gangsta rap and Christmas in the same sentence is an oxymoron. Why Snoop Why?

It had to happen, Gangsta Rap and Christmas was bound to merge together to form some freak sound. Already releasing 11 albums and having his own reality TV show titled Snoop Dogg’s Fatherhood, a reality show about Snoop and his family.

This album is no surprise since Snoop Dogg sold out; we can see this from his many horrible collaborations.

Then again he isn’t the only one within the rap industry to attempt to score in the Christmas Album market. Eminem and Ludacris have both released Christmas songs for some bizarre reason. I don’t know how they would think this helps their image.

 

Listen to this album and you’ll be Gangsta Wrapping this December. Sorry.

Christmas on the Moon with Tim Dinkins

Never heard of this guy but stumbled across his album when writing this post. I’m not exactly sure whether this guy has made anything before or beyond this album, we can only hope he received a large number of death threats in order for him to pursue something else.

This has to be one of the most bizarre concepts for a Christmas album ever. Was this guy some kind of NASA nut and wanted to spread the Christmas cheer beyond the stratosphere. I don’t know how to describe this crap, its like some kind of hoe-down sung by some hillbilly but with his own idea of Christmas cheer. Sounds like somebody who should be in that movie Deliverance. I hope he busted out the banjo in this album, because I didn’t care to listen to it all the way through to know of this.

Maybe he contracted some kind of Christmas madness, some degenerate disease that skews his vision of reality and thus creates delusional ideas of spreading Jesus’ message to outer space.

Guess who this kid grew up to be

 

Despite this mocking piece on some of the worst things to do with Christmas naturally there are redeeming qualities to this holiday season. Everyone has their own meaning of Christmas and we can’t stop them from expressing it. I guess it can clash sometimes but it ain’t all that bad. Apologies for the lack of more non-Xmas songs.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanuka and Have a Crazy Kwanza !